The Mason from Hell

I happen to have extraordinary luck in finding contractors who fly the biggest freak flags in the county. Two summers ago, (and this will be important later) I decided to get my front stairs redone as the bricks were all loose and my Dad, Dr. Doom, said I could be sued if someone fell on them. So I tried to no avail to get masons to come and give me estimates. The only one who came was this rather portly, disheveled guy who gave me a decent estimate. I asked if he had any references and he pulled out an envelope from Kmart with photos. He said they were samples of his work....the first few were pictures of seagulls, which should have been a sign. He did have one of some chimney he built which looked ok. Anyway, since he was the only one, I gave him a deposit. He showed up promptly the next day and demolished everything so that I would have had to leap from my front door to the ground to get out.

I had to call him every single day to come back and put the damn stairs in. I would scream at him and he would scream back and I would swallow more Excedrin. Finally he showed up and it took even longer to do each stair (a day apiece) I asked my friend R to come home with me the final day because it all looked crooked and I did not want to pay him. As we drove up, he yelled, "Ah, the love of my life"........I guess all that screaming back and forth reminded him of his last relationship. Plus, as R. said, his butt crack was in full screen technicolor and he was sweating so profusely that she thought he was going to drop dead immediately.

I said the stairs looked crooked. He took out a 3 inch, 3 inch! level and laid it across one brick and said, "See, it's fine" I just wanted him to go, as I do all the contractors in my life, so he finished and I paid him and I walk with a slight angle when I come down the stairs.

All this to say that yesterday morning, two years later, I hear voices outside my window, and it's Messy Mason and some other guy standing on my front stairs and I believe he is showing off his work. I don't know for sure because I did not want to converse with him ever again. And quick as that, they both left without ringing my bell. I guess the seagulls have all gone south for the winter.