Cooler Heads Prevail

All right, it has been a very long time since I blogged, but a lot has happened, and I know that’s precisely when you should blog, but I just could not deal with another funeral entry and then there werethe two weeks in Florida, where blogging just wasn’t an option.

So enough excuses. I have a workman coming tomorrow to powerwash the deck, and my painters already warned me that he’s “a bit strange” so I can’t even imagine what’s in store for me at 9AM.

Today, something happened to me and I have no explanation for why it made me homicidally angry, but here it is. I was minding my own BI business (don’t know what that means, but we used to say it as kids) eating breakfast alone at Perkins waiting for the line at Jiffy Lube to shorten, when I notice a woman who seemed to be grandmother to a toddler and another small child, and the children’s mother, sitting at a table nearby. The toddler drops a small, plastic container, like the kind they bring you that mouthful of coleslaw in, onto the floor and it rolls right over to me. The grandmother yells, “I’ll get it” and is having some trouble getting out of her seat, her being fat and with a tight mini skirt (yes, that's mean, but just wait). Despite her instructions, I reach down to get it and she literally SCREAMS, “DON’T TOUCH IT!”. Now, my hand immediately recoils and I look at her as she retrieves it and she says, “If you touch it, then I can’t give it to her again.” With that, she picks it up, wipes it off with a napkin and hands it back to the kid.
Now…..I ask you. I may not have been wearing my Jones New York that morning as she was, but is my hand any dirtier than the ground-in e-coli bacteria left in the rug from people who had stepped in shit and walked into the restaurant. I don’t know why I was so incensed, obviously she was a psycho and the fact that they all piled into an Escalade as she was on her way to get her legs “scraped” (her word), only made me hate her more.

When I got to Jiffy Lube, (and they didn’t have the high mileage oil, and what the hell kind of Jiffy Lube do I have that runs out of oil??? Really, what’s on their order? Oil and air fresheners?). I called JB who talked me down before I hurt the nice man in the coveralls, who really was not the cause of my anger, but grandmother had already gotten away. So, I did use fantasy to get my revenge and envisioned the scene over again, and saw myself very calmly getting my check and then going up to their table on the way out and planting a big wet kiss on the baby’s lips. Yeah.

Next project: I’m going to buy an orchid and try not to kill it. Stay tuned.