Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Arubadoc

Which one of you has ever been picked up in your sweats and sneakers by a half-block long white stretch limo at 7 A.M.? I mean, for all the neighbors looking out their windows with their bowls of rice chex, and wondering what the hell is she up to now, I’d like to say, “I’m flying to LAX to get my hair cut by nutty Jonathan Anton” but you all know I’m on my way to the doc-in-the-box surgery center. Although the limo had no heat, and I did see my breath the entire way there, it was a pleasant ride. I was greeted at the desk very nicely, but all the fawning I was promised by the woman who made the error about last week’s mishap, did not happen. I don’t think she came to work that early or maybe she called in sick, which I certainly would have considered on ANY Monday in my working life.

I changed into that fashionable schmatta gown that ties in the back and put on the booties with the skid paws on the bottom. They let me sit without having to wear the blousy shower cap, but said once in the OR, I would have to put it on. I tried joking with the attendant that it might have been a bad idea having this done on a Monday because cars built on Monday always turn out to be lemons. He said the worst day is Friday because everyone wants to get the hell out of there. Note to self. He gave me some delightful back issues of the Star and I caught up on all the movie stars with bigger bellies than mine, although they are expecting.

Enter Sam Elliot in a blousy showercap. Now, and I am not exaggerating, picture the big eyebrows and moustache, the piercing eyes, and the swagger and then he opens his mouth and he’s Howie from Freehold. He was the machine technician and he just couldn’t tell me enough about how the machine works and what would happen when the procedure started. Then, he started repeating himself, and I kept saying “Got it”, because, really, I needed to get back to the Star and find out what Teri Hatcher sees in Ryan Seacrest. But he would not leave. Finally, someone called for him at the desk and next thing I knew, I was led into the OR, walking slowly in my paw socks and holding the back of my gown closed to avoid mooning those in my path.

I got up on the table and the doctor, who was talking ALL about his trip to Aruba, said he would be numbing my foot soon and then I would not feel anything. “Then” is the key word, because he said nothing about how much the numbing process would make you want to scream out loud. My first clue was the nurse, after puttering around the room and not seeming to notice me, all of sudden took my hand and leaned directly over me. Barring a declaration of love, I knew what this meant. She said, “Just remember to breathe” and I said, “I suppose you all like it when the patients keep breathing”. With that, Arubadoc stuck this needle into the side of my foot and the burning was unbelievable. And it lasted far longer than the dentist’s injections do. OK, finally, it was over. Then, she squeezed my hand again, and I thought, “What now?” and was answered with a far worse, excrutiating pain on the other side of my foot for the second needle. Then, catching my breath, because I tell you, Pilgrim, I held my breath for the entire time, I joined Sam Elliot, Arubadoc and the two nurses while we waited for my foot to go numb. Of course, I needed another shot because I could still feel the pin pricks, which, c’mon, how many times are you going to stab me?

Now, they turn me on the side and line up the machine, and Sam Elliot is in charge now. And the sensation is like someone taking a hammer and chisel to your foot and tapping it, starting off slowly and then rising to a crescendo of speed and pressure. He had told me that if it gets too much he will turn it down. He lied. He kept asking me, “Is that too much?”, and when I would wince, “Yes” he would say, “Is it tolerable?” and I would say, “I want to run screaming off the table” and he would laugh but would not stop. Rage against the machine.
At one point he said, “We’re halfway through” and I thought I would never make it.

Meantime, Arubadoc is telling me what a good patient I am, probably because I didn’t kick him or Elliot in the nuts. They are having a running discourse on how taxes are killing the hospitals and I thought that the hospitals are killing people so there’s a nice symmetry there. I assume I was delirious then. Finally, it was over. I was wheeled out of there into recovery, very disappointed that I did not get any good drugs. I was given juice, told not to take any Ibuprofen for an indefinite period, and not to drive for the day. I will have to wait a month to see if the procedure was successful, and that my heel will be sore for as long. If it works, as I pray it will, I can resume my exercise walks, dance again, and get off that recumbent bike, for the love of god.

Today, the painters are finally staining the deck, after several aborted attempts because of weather. They are NORMAL, we discussed Uboats, as I am fascinated with sub lore and sub movies, and I hope they finish soon. Last time they were here, my ceiling fan fell on one of their heads. Although it isn’t a depth charge, it did create an element of danger I’m sure they still crave.

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